


It Messed Me Up

by nomercyhere



Category: Full House (US)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emptiness, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, No Dialogue, Sad Jesse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25142284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomercyhere/pseuds/nomercyhere
Summary: He doesn't understand why after all these years, Pam still manages to find a way to eat up the spot in his heart that he needs filled the most.
Relationships: Jesse Katsopolis & Pam Katsopolis-Tanner
Kudos: 9





	It Messed Me Up

**Author's Note:**

> :(

It just kept pouring out, and out, and out, until it got to the point when he thought he was going to throw up.

It didn’t even make any sense. It’d been so long since Pam, almost 9 years. It just didn’t make any sense that now, on today, just a completely normal day, with nothing there to trigger it, nothing there to remind him of her, that it hurt so, so much.

He really just couldn’t handle it anymore. He told the band that he was sick, and to cancel the gig that day. He knew he wasn’t really, but it felt that way. It hurt. It really, really did.

And it made him feel terrible. Certainly, when he had had the flu and had felt the worst he’d ever felt, when he was six years old and she was still alive, he’d felt about a thousand times better than this.

Because the flu feels absolutely the worst. But this is so, so much more than that.

It was torture, slowly ripping into him and tearing his insides apart. Devouring him, eating at his flesh until he knew there’d be nothing left but a rotting carcass. And he was almost at that point now, he could feel it.

All the breakdowns, all these stops to what would have been the normal cycle of life, interruptions to his plans, to his family, to him as a person. It just couldn’t keep going like this. He just couldn’t keep going like this.

He felt a bit like he hadn’t known her towards the end. Of course, he’d come around occasionally, but he’d never really see her without Danny. That tight sibling bond that they’d had before, their normal rapport, it had all kind of crumbled when the wall had gone up between her and the family after she’d eloped.

But he knew he couldn’t blame himself for not reaching out more. She could’ve reached out if she’d wanted, and she’d chosen not to as well. A relationship has two sides to it, and they both were responsible for the crumbling. Not only him.

But he wished he had known her better as an adult. Really gotten to know her. Rekindled what they had once had, kept it going and ran with it.

And he knew that people thought it didn’t affect him as much _because_ he didn’t know her. But that was as far from the truth as they could possibly get.

Because in a way, not knowing her, and not knowing exactly what he was missing, made it all the worse.

So as he sat there, curled up in a ball lying on his side on his bed, he thought of all the ways it could’ve been. All the times they could’ve had together. All the things that would never be, now.

And he left it eat him up. Because in a way, he knew it was what he needed. He needed to get rid of all the pain, all the emotions and all the grief. He just needed to find a way to flush it all out if he ever wanted to have a chance of being whole again.


End file.
